Wednesday, March 17, 2010

HOW TO SNAG A HIPSTER IN 5 EASY STEPS

***credit goes to brilliant INVEN.TORY***

It can happen to you: you’re out, drinking a PBR, minding your own… then you see that dirty and doe-eyed darling across the room, judging the party-thrower’s record collection. And you. Want. Them. Bad. Read on! To turn that lust in your heart into action in your pants.

STEP 1: Picking Your Prey.

If you’re into dudes, check for flannel, traditional wool ponchos from South America, and bike chains worn like a beauty pageant sash. That guy’s sensitive, and he lives close enough to bike.

Dig the ladies? Look for a bit of vanity among the Snoopy sweaters and grandma pants– a bustier or crop top means the apple of your eye embraces the ugly-is-hot ethos, but still wants to maintain the hot.

STEP 2: Dancing.

Kick Gloria Estefan to the curb. The rhythm can’t get you! Jerk your head like you’re getting whiplash, over and over. Stomp one bent foot, and let your middle try and figure out the rest. If your parter mirrors your moves, congratulations: you’re doing the hipster mating dance.

STEP 3: Let’s-Get-A-Drink-Conversation.

Order the worst whiskey. Then talk about your “passion,” like group sound massage, or found art sculpture. Ask if they’ve ever seen Bertrando: Story of An Algae Born Whistler. This film does not exist. If they say they’ve seen it, they want to bone you. If they say no, shame them. Shame = hipster pheromones.

STEP 4: Neuroses.

Share one. For example: “Sometimes I am so porous I feel all of the emotions of the room at once.” “I am incredibly rich, but will never do anything about it except feel guilty and wear dirty clothes.” “Sex makes me cry, because I hate intimacy, yet all I want is love.”

They’ll tell you one of theirs. Nice bonding!

STEP 5: Going home.

At this point, you should be primed for the kill. Here is your weapon: “Parties just make me feel so empty; it was amazing to have a real conversation with you. I think we’re heading out in the same direction– would you mind stopping at my place quickly? I’d really love to lend you, “How to Keep Your Dog A Liberal Vegan In A Conservative, Carnivorous World.”

Get ready for a night of almost-dextrous, totally self-conscious lovemaking!

P.S. Feel like you want some hipster camo before you go on the prowl? Throw on the Matty Top, to look fly and well-flanneled while stalking your desired.

P.P.S I couldn't not post this...so entertaining :P

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